Why hes secretive

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Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie thestar. Thank u Thank u. Thank you so much for this advice it felt like it directly to me. Your email address will not be published. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

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Dial , or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1. Skip to primary navigation Skip to content Skip to footer. He's secretive about everything. He has a number of aliases, won't share his e-mail address, phone numbers, etc. And now there are four years of his life about which I can't ask any questions. My friends and family all think I'm going to wind up in a body bag.

I've suggested he see a therapist, but he says that's "not an option. Or give the guy more time and see if he'll open up? Stuck, my love : I understand why you're torn: It's exciting to find a guy who's not constantly bragging about how beautiful, rich, thin, sexy, and stylish his ex-girlfriends are; on the other hand, a fellow should actually have a few exes still above ground.

Get rid of him. Do you want your man to be a fantasy figure for you, or are you willing to allow him to become real? These are huge questions. Perhaps you cannot take all of the truth at once right now, but you can certainly build up your tolerance muscles and move in that direction. Oddly enough, we all think that fantasy makes us feel wonderful, but in fact, the more reality we can take, the stronger we grow.

The ability to accept honesty from others increases as we realize that true security comes not from the approval of others but from being true to ourselves. It's an old question but a good one. How can we be true to another if we aren't true to ourselves? The best way to help a man open up is simply to be open yourself, be natural, be real and exude an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance.

Those who we encounter in life are mirrors of different parts of ourselves and we attract certain people who each help us love another part of ourselves. This is why it's important to apply the five topics covered here not only to the men in our lives but also to ourselves. For example, are you able to let go of judging yourself?

Do you dismiss past grievances about the things you've done wrong? Or are you always dwelling on mistakes you've made, ways in which you've fallen short? When you treat yourself this way, it is only natural to do the same thing to your partner.

If when young you were always scolded or made to feel inadequate in some way, you are likely to act the same way toward your man. Awareness is crucial here.

If you want to create a more open dynamic between your partner and yourself, take a strong inventory of the way you treat and regard yourself and the way you were treated by the significant others of your past. If you were hurt, this is your chance to make a decision to not live your life on automatic-pilot-of-the-past anymore. Turn it around. Decide to be kind and accepting, both of yourself and to the one you're with.

Sometimes we give in to another in the expectation of receiving the same in return. When that doesn't happen, silent fury starts to build.

That is behaving with an agenda, giving mixed messages and not being true to another or yourself. In order to give of yourself truly, you have to realize that you "get" as much out of giving as out of receiving. When you give the other unconditional respect and regard, you are giving that to yourself as well.

You are behaving in the best way possible, and the fine effects always reverberate back. When you treat others in a way you respect, you are building a sense of value and worth.

If your partner doesn't reciprocate, you won't have to feel like it's your failing or loss. Instead you will easily move on to someone who is more like you. The bottom line: Be true to yourself and you will find that it is contagious.